Basset Hound Theory

My husband and I have this theory. Some people are like Basset Hounds. Yep, that's the whole theory. But this is actually deep...and useful. It's not the droopy eyes nor the sweet nature that are the basis for our theory. Here it is: Bassets are sweet, loyal, and gentle. They can also be some of the most stubborn creatures on the face of the earth.

Our first Basset, a sweet tricolored little baby was my best companion during the early days of our marriage. She slept with me at night and spent long hours waiting for my husband to come home from his shifts as a paramedic. But I will tell you, if something wasn't her idea, she would dig her heals in and do out of character stunts to let us know just how much she thought of our ideas. My husband and I would joke that we had to make everything seem like her idea or she would immediately do something spiteful like using the carpet as her personal bathroom space (while staring you in the face) or go find a shoe that looked especially tasty and shred it. Even something as fun as going for a walk would sometimes become a battle if she didn't feel it was a good time for it. We lost that sweet girl a few years ago and got another Basset. This one is even more gentle and has a really sweet disposition. But from time to time when we say it's time for bed or tell her she needs to get off the couch, even if she has followed the command 100 times, she will look at us as though to say, "Seriously? Do you think I'm going to just do that?" But within 5 minutes of you leaving the room she will do it because you are not expecting her to.

Our children are a lot like this. I, of course, am not saying my children are dogs. But their personalities are a lot like this. We ask our children to do many things during any given day. Pick up your clothes, do your school work, do your best. Most of the time, they will do it without question. But the 9th out of 10 times, someone might just put up the fight of the century. And then, we as parents scratch our heads and wonder what awful rebellion we are in for or wonder where we went wrong. So then we have two choices. We can either draw a line in the sand and really put up our dukes or wait until it is their idea and then try not to say, "I told you so." I am apt to get feisty and go head to head with a kid over respect issues or a child not doing their personal best. Other things I let go (while secretly wishing that someday they have 10 kids just like them) and hope that they will suddenly decide down the line it is their idea.

Our son began picking around on a guitar when he was 5 years old. He picked music up, little by little, with the help of fabulous youth leaders and people who took an interest in a little tiny boy with a little Baby Taylor. He began at a very young age playing in our church and youth groups he was too young to actually take part in. My husband and I began to think that maybe God had big plans for this little boy. We began to talk to him about God gifting him with musical abililities and what all he could do with those abilities for God's glory. He voraciously learned and practiced music for years. And then he turned 10. And the guitars sat in his room and got dusty. And we embarked on a whole new era of parenting....Tweendom. And it was scary. He wasn't outwardly rebelling. He was just being quietly  stubborn about this whole God Gift thing. I originally pestered him to death about it. "Did you practice? Do you think you might be wasting the gift you've been given? Do you want to play and sing at church?" To all questions I was met with what I thought was stubborn refusal. The more I pestered the less the guitars were picked up. Finally I realized, this had to be his own doing. He had to come by this knowledge on his own and through God. My husband and I consoled ourselves that he was only 10...and then 11...and finally 12. Then this year, a miracle. He has decided that this may be his gift. He has decided that this is the coolest thing ever. He sits for hours learning new things and now he is pestering youth leaders and other guitarists to show him this or that on the guitar. He gets it. He is living the Basset Hound Theory. Head strong but sweet, and gentle. Doing things when he decides it is right.

So in the end, we all know someone who fits this theory. But in the end, maybe it's not stubbornness as much as a need for patience on our part. People will come to things in their own good time. We can plant a seed and pray for rain but in the end only the other person will do the actual growing. Or maybe not. We can't make people do things. You can lead a horse to water, but cannot make them drink. And as for our children, we can facilitate, pray for, and teach,  but in the end it will be them that actually learn the lessons. So what I thought was going to be a blog about stubbornness and people having things their own way has actually been a lesson in grace and patience for all of us......don't you love it when that happens?

Baby, It's Cold Outside!

Yesterday morning, before homeschool, I decided it would be better for the girls and I to dash into Walmart to do our grocery shopping instead of waiting until the afternoon. I don't know about your Walmart, but ours turns into one of the most frightening places on earth after 3:00 p.m. Now, we live in the Florida Panhandle, which is one of the most beautiful places on earth with wonderful, moderate weather. That's all fine and good, but it turns people into wimps. I wholeheartedly believe that anything below 80 degrees means I should hole up in my house and not leave until it reaches said temperature. I am not happy until I am sweating profusely, glowing with tan, and sliding down a water slide. Most of my family shares this enthusiasm for warmth, except one.

One of my twin daughters never gets cold. I don't get it, but there it is. She longs to see snow, loves the winter,  and wants to live in the mountains. So every winter for the first few years of her life I fought a battle. First, the battle was with well meaning people who didn't understand why I didn't have her wrapped in layers of clothing and a blanket when it dipped below 50 degrees. Then when she turned 2 the battle was waged between me and her. "Put the jacket on. You have to keep the jacket on. Don't take the jacket off!" And it was too late, she had already taken it off. At about age 6 I stopped fighting her. I realized that this child, very likely the most level headed of the 3, knew her own mind. If she went out without a jacket and froze, she would remember and put a jacket on the next time. If she said she was not cold, then very likely, she wasn't.  I also realized that I had to teach her to decide on her own when she needed something or not. I want my children to be able to take care of themselves without me always having to say, "Eat your vegetables. Wear a coat. Don't stick your head between the spindles on the stairs."

Which brings me back to yesterday morning. It was 46 degrees when we got to Walmart. Now some of you are thinking this is a near heat wave, while those of you "from around these parts" are thinking, "Oooooooh, that's cold!" I had already required the child who rarely wears a jacket to at least bring one in the car, just in case. I'm all about the just in case. The other child brought a jacket because she is cold nearly constantly (like mother, like daughter) and freezes inside Walmart. So we are heading through the parking lot of Wally World when we passed a very well meaning, middle aged lady who, after giving me the death ray glare, said, "Where is your coat, honey?? It's cold!" My daughter just smiled that sweet 8 year old smile and kept walking.

I immediately felt guilty. The self talk began. "She is only 8 and I should have made her wear a coat. It is really cold out here! That lady probably thinks I am the worst mother ever!" And on and on it went. I asked my daughter several times during the shopping trip whether she was cold and was told, "No, ma'am!" every time. But the guilt persued me.

Several hours later as I was going over the situation for the 600th time, I started to wonder why I was torturing myself. I know my child. She knows when she is cold. She checks the weather every morning without fail and knows what is cold to her and what is not. It took years of me over dressing her for her to learn that. And, if she went out at 46 degrees and it was cold to her, she will choose to wear a jacket next time. Natural consequences. Then I began to wonder why I let something a random person on the street said, bother me that much. Am I that unsure about my parenting? The answer is, maybe now and then, but I feel that God is making up for my inadequacies. That woman absolutely meant well I believe, but I feel her need to say something is part of a growing problem among mothers.

We judge other mothers, shake our heads at other mothers,  and fail to uplift other mothers. We are so busy playing Mommy Poker ( you know the game....I'm so much busier than you are. No wait, I have you all beat because I do 4 more activities than you.) that we have failed to do the number one thing we are supposed to do....encourage each other. I let one person's comment bother me because I felt judged. I think a lot of mothers feel judged. This is not a contest. We all need to stick together, no judgement, no head shaking. We are all in this together and if we stick together we will probably all have an easier time. So, next time you are questioning why that mom never brings snacks to the soccer game, ask how she is doing instead. I guarantee she will appreciate it. Instead of judging the mother who never helps with PTA, remember that we never know someone until we have walked in their shoes. We need to share each others' struggles instead of judging them. Let's all stick together......there's safety in numbers!