OK, I'm walking away now!

I have had the pleasure of being at Walt Disney World, Orlando for 2 full days now and I must say, I have seen and been one of the happiest kids on Earth. I have also seen some of the unhappiest kids on earth while wandering from ride to ride in this oh-so-fabulous-place. Some of the "unhappies" were for obvious reasons. The fact that it was a billion degrees could have been a factor, or the fact that half these kids had had no naps or bedtimes in days. Those were understandable "crankies". But I saw at least 2 kids who were "unhappy" because of their own parents' mistakes. It's the "OK, I'm walking away now" style of parenting. Let's take the first case, a child of about 4 waiting in a rather lengthy line for a show at about 9:30 at night. The child was using all manner of behaviors to let mom know he was unhappy about the coming attraction. He sat down, screamed, cried, and generally was just staging a protest. Finally, as the line moved the mother, desperate, used a classic parenting technique. One that I have never actually seen work for my children or most other kids. She used the "OK, I'm leaving. Sit there if you want."  The child did not move. Now, this child knew the parent was not actually going to leave them because there is no telling how many other times this has been used. I did see a look of relief wash over the child's face as if he was thinking, "Excellent, now I can sit here and do what I want." A better approach would have been to be direct and let the child know, they are 4, you are in charge, and you are now going to see this show. If they don't do this there will be consequences. Then the kid knows where he stands, and you are not left standing there repetitively saying, "I'm leaving now," to a child who has no intentions of coming with you. I can hear parents now thinking that this directness will never work for them. It takes consistency and training but also has an added benefit of letting the child know that in the future, you mean what you say, and say what you mean.

So, the direct approach works for 4 year olds but what about teens? I know from discussions with teen parents, and from working with teens myself, that although teens are a completely different animal the direct approach also works for them. It just needs tweeking. I saw a teen last night waiting in front of Space Mountain and the teen was adamantly letting his mother know he did not, under any circumstances, want to ride the ride. The mother said, "Fine then, I'll go on and have fun without you." The she went on to beg said teenager to ride with her, while the teen argued. The direct approach in this case would be to say, "Fine, you don't have to ride the ride but I would like to know why you don't want to ride." Teens should have choices in some cases without the fear of guilt being dumped on them by their parents. Of course there are some cases when they don't have a choice. Drinking and driving, curfews and the like are non negotiable. But they have to start making choices somewhere and not riding this roller coaster was not affecting anyone but the teen. The parent also needs to find out why the teen doesn't want to go. Giving teens a chance to explain their thought process helps them work through choices while giving us an insight into the way they think.

Whether your child is 4 or 14, telling them you are walking away rarely works. Let's stay and listen, then ride the roller coaster together.