Selfless Parent or Enabler??

If you are like me, you are constantly discussing the virtues of being selfless with your children. You are constantly modeling selflessness by putting your family first and your needs or desires second...or last. I am forever putting things I need to do for myself (physical therapist mandated neck exercises, showers, meals) aside to deal with laundry, run a child to an activity, or clear up a homeschool question. As it is, this blog will very likely take me a couple of hours to write, not because I'm pondering any deep life questions but because I will have to stop no less than 10 times while I write it to handle the COTM (Crisis of the Minute). Still, I'm feeling pretty good about all this...pretty, dare I say it, righteous in my selflessness. After all, I want my daughters to grow up to be giving, selfless adult women. A Proverbs 31 kind of a wife and mother. I want my son to grow up to be the kind of husband who values a Godly woman who puts others before herself. But I am beginning to wonder......

I am beginning to wonder if my children seeing me daily putting everything under the sun (son) before my needs and before what God has called me to do, is really being selfless or just me enabling them to be selfish. Strange concept I know, but when I allow my kids to interrupt every minute of my time, watch me as I fail to take care of my health and body, and when I cave to their every demand I'm really not teaching them to be selfless. I'm teaching them that their time is more valuable than others' time. When I jump to attention in an attempt to "help" them solve the problem of the second, even though I am doing devotions, I am really robbing them of the ability to solve their own problem or exercise a little patience. I am taking away from my daughters a model of a strong woman who can make God a priority even above the "needs" of others. I am taking away from my son, the notion that a wife is to be treasured as Jesus treasured His church because she knows her God, not because she drops everything to make sure you have your favorite pair of clean jeans for school tomorrow.

There's a world of difference between selflessness and enabling, in the end. I will still continue to give of my time to teach my children. I will still drop everything when one of my children's hearts is broken. I won't buy that new dress so my 12 year old can have a new pair of shoes. I will still start every homeschool day with Bible time with my children, even if it means that I don't get time to sit with my favorite mystery book this afternoon. I will go to bat for them. I will "mama bear" for them. I will pray for them.

I will not continue to allow my children to interrupt my personal devotion time because they can't figure out #12 on their math paper. I will, instead, teach them to "hold that thought" until Mama isn't doing something. I will not continue to allow my children to vie for my husband's and my attention in the 10 minutes we have to talk each day. I will no longer put my health aside for craft time. I will teach my children that our bodies are God's bodies, and need to be cared for. I will no longer allow a failure to plan on my children's part to become an emergency on my part. I will teach them that when we fail to do what we need to do for ourselves we must deal with the consequences.

I absolutely want to be a parent that my children see as loving, selfless, and Godly. But I also absolutely want my children to stand out in the world and be able to know that they will make it,  because they have God and can do their own laundry. I'm not there yet. I have a long way to go towards practicing what I preach, but I will strive to do better. And it only took me one hour and 45 minutes to do this blog so that's a first step.

Easy Now....

I recently subscribed to a homeschool daily devotion, as always looking for a bit of encouragement. A few weeks ago I opened my daily email ready to find tidbits of support. I should have known that nothing good happens at 5:15 in the morning. The devotion for the day was written by a homeschool mother who was guilt ridden because she had let the day before pass without sweeping her kitchen floor. She went on to tell how she had let God and her family down for letting her housework slide and not doing her best. I reread the devotion. And again. I thought about the crumbs in my kitchen floor. I thought about the small dog that could possibly be made from the dust bunnies of dog hair that were floating around my foyer. I beat myself up for an hour or so about all the tasks that I had not been able to get to because I homeschooled a bit long the day before or had to get my son to band practice....or, and this is the bad one, watched 15 extra minutes of Downton Abbey. I tortured myself over the knowledge that God loves order and the clean laundry in my living room was out of order.

This went on for another hour (ok, a few days) and then, finally, God said, "Easy now...Just do your best." And I had to think about that for a good long while, too. Here's the thing, ladies: God is there in the dust bunnies and the laundry. He doesn't leave you when you just can't get to everything. He's saying, "Easy now..." But for some reason, we as women want it to be perfect. And we never get there and then proceed to beat ourselves up about that. Or allow others to goad us into feeling as though we haven't quite hit the mark because we haven't lost that weight or finished that book we've started 3 times. We want to do it all. But what I've realized is, as long as we do our absolute best in what we've been called by God to do, then we are doing ok. For the woman who wrote the homeschool devotion, maybe that was not her best. She felt as though she had missed the mark. As yet, I have not been whispered to by God about the laundry in my living room or the piles of magazines I keep saying I'm going to go through. I have been convicted by God though, about believing what society tells me is the definition of who I am and trying too hard to live up to the expectations of others. I have been convicted of trying too hard to get it all perfect and missing opportunities to sit and snuggle my babies. God does love order. But I believe he also loves balance. I believe he is saddened when we speak unkindly to ourselves. I believe he is saddened when we are mean to ourselves because we believe what society tells us. I don't want to live in squalor, but I'm tired of being mean to myself. I'm going to let a couple of dust bunnies float by today while I teach my children. I'm going to let the laundry sit today while I teach a small group of youth at church. I'm going to do my best at what I've been called to do and not worry about the rest.

All You Need Is Love??

On the eve of a holiday that some wait for all year and others find an annoyance, I am tackling the subject of....you guessed it....love. But not romantic love. Love for your family (even the ones who work your nerves). Love for the person who always looks lonely in church but that you've been too busy to talk to. Love for your enemies. Yes, I'm going there.

In my house on Valentine's Day there are no flowers. Say what?? I have never gotten flowers on Valentine's Day from my husband or children. And I think that's awesome. Some women LOVE flowers and feel pampered and beyond special when they receive them and that is great. I like flowers and am happy and thankful when I receive them. I walk by them, smell them, and bask in their beauty. But my family knows the real way to my heart because they have taken the time to find out about my heart. Pajamas, coffee, chocolate, a Beatles mug, now that's what I'm talking about. Or, better yet, bring coffee to me before I am out of bed in the morning and still drooling a little. That is love. A sweet love note from one of the kids that I think never notices my blood, sweat, and tears. A thank you from the preteen son that has just noticed that his life is better for me being his mom. That is love.

The Bible says we are to love our enemies. I'm thinking that most of you are not making a list right now of what you want to send your vilest enemy for Valentine's Day. I'm thinking that a lot of people think loving their enemies is just not saying all the horrible things that cross their mind to that person's face. But just what would happen if we wrote a love note to our worst enemy on earth or the guy that tried to run down you and your 3 children in the parking lot of Walmart. I'm not talking about, "Love you lots, sweetie, honey, MWAH!" I'm thinking more along the lines of, "Heard you were sick. Hope you are feeling better!" Or, "Hey, let me pay for your coffee." You never know what an act of kindness could do or on what road that person is walking. And really in the end, it doesn't matter. What matters is that we were called to love. Taking 5 minutes to look into that person's heart and show love from your heart is what we are called to do.

Nobody said it would be a cake walk, but then the things that matter rarely are. So choose a someone today. Someone at work, church, home, the cashier in the grocery line, whomever. Love them. What could it cost you? Take time to know the heart of someone you would never think could be the best friend you ever had. Love them.

Part of the Crowd

Last week I talked about being doers. Getting up off the couch and doing that marathon. Taking that class and getting a degree. You know, big things you see your neighbors doing or in commercials on TV. Well, here is the problem. Where does the motivation come from?? I have some utterly fabulous friends and family who are doing the "From Couch to 5K" training, which promises to turn them from couch potatoes to runners with just a few minutes a few times a week. Sounds easy enough and I am enjoying watching them do this from afar (I will even be their cheerleaders at said 5K) but I lack the one thing I need to jump up and join them. Motivation. I see them doing it, and think, "Good on them!" I just have no desire to be with them. Maybe in March or November or 2014 I will have a desire to run a 5K. But not today. And that is OK. That is not my dream or my passion. I would only be a sheep if I suddenly decided at 2:45 today to sprint to the mailbox. So, I must go in search of my passion, my goal, my hurdle....my thing. 

In the last year I have identified a couple of my things. I became passionate about the education my children were receiving and changing the style and tone of said education. So slowly, our family prayed, discussed, and planned our next step. Homeschool. Terrifying word for some, a joke to others. Here again, baby steps were called for. I love it and believe my children are receiving the education that best suits them. Friends of mine probably think I'm a bit crazy for doing this. I can live with that because my desire to do this rules over any misgivings. And I've had a few. Do I expect anybody else to follow me into this? I sure do not. I often tell people that as with anything, homeschool has its pros and cons but this is what is working for us.

Let's not be sheep. Maybe you saw the guy in the yoga video and thought, "I would love to be able to do that." Go do it. Maybe someone asked you to go on a church mission trip to a foreign country and you thought, "Yes, I have a heart for that!" Go do it. Maybe, someone asked you to go on a mission trip to a foreign country and you thought, "I'd rather be tarred and feathered." Maybe that isn't your thing. It's entirely possible your thing will be different than everybody else's and that's OK too. Your assignment for today is to decide one thing that might be your thing. Not your neighbor's or your spouse's or your zumba teacher's thing, your thing. And notice I didn't say 10 or 20 things, just one. Focus. Decide. Do.

Change the Channel

A couple of weeks ago our household made the decision to get rid of cable and get an Apple TV. We are now saving a little over $100 a month and our kids are still watching the I Love Lucys and Leave It to Beavers they love. Very Dave Ramsey of us, no? Well, it's all fine and good until the Tech Guy (husband) and the Tech Guy Jr. (son) are not in residence. Then it's all, "Houston we have a problem." My daughters and I sat staring dumbfounded at the TV,with no idea how to use this thing, and a tiny remote and a blank TV screen standing between us and Vitameatavegamin. The TV remote had not been programmed to do anything and we were boggled by the whole Hulu dimension. So, we sat. And stared.

Then the Do-er (middle child) stood up and tromped to the TV. She began to push buttons while my stomach lurched. You can't just do that. But of course the 8 year old, who is too young to fear failure and as I have said, a born do-er, simply did it. She got up, changed the channel, and remedied the situation.

And so can we. We can get up and change the channel. Where have I been for a year (not blogging certainly)? I've been taking a step at a time to change the channel. We as Christians tend to feel that when things are not going well that somehow we are powerless to change that. If we just sit and wait God's will will change and things will be better again. We want to do His will. Do His will. Maybe, just maybe, God is waiting for us to get up off the couch and take one tiny step to fulfill His will. It is OK to take chances and be doers.

I'm not asking for anything radical. (Or maybe I am??) If you've always wanted to swim with sharks but have never been near the water, I'm not proposing you fly to the beach, rent scuba equipment, and dive in. Maybe a baby pool and some saline solution for starters? If you want to "be healthier" but can't run to the mailbox, maybe today you can start with just that....run to the mailbox. If you are seeing behaviors in your children that you know need to be curbed but you have no idea where to start because there are so many, start with one. C'mon. You know you want to ground somebody today.  One little baby step is all it takes to get started.

God never asked us to sit around. We need to be doers. He only wants the best for us, after all, and healthier, more peaceful, more abundant living is what He wants. I know a gazillion people have already seen this video but it bears repeating. This is a doer.